5 to 6 hours:
(An attempt to go back in time and visit.)
June 15th roughly 2 pm in Frankfurt Germany in between plane changes from Seattle to Bucharest Romania. Denise so exhausted we found a place to lay down and stretch her legs after 10 hour flight. As for me I can’t sit, I can’t stand, I can’t think, I can’t stop thinking. What is wrong with me? Where am I? How did I get here? Wait a minute, maybe it’s a dream! I have had dreams like this before where I made a life change so big only to wake up and realize I was dreaming. Hold on a second though, before I decide to see if it is a dream let me find out if I like it here. Ok look around! Hmmmm I must be in Germany, look at this weird written language. It looks a lot like everyone’s face. It looks familiar on the first glance but when you take a closer look its just a bit off… Like when you see someone walk their dog and you say to yourself: “Man the dog looks just like the person. Weird, I wonder if they look at each other and realize its more than a cliché.” That is where I am now.
Hmm its been 12 hours from my last cigarette. I said I would quit once I leave Seattle.
“Damn why did they have to put a smoking booth in the damn airport.” Freaking Germans they wouldn’t do this in a Mercedes. Oh well fuck it! There I said it! I’m a sinner! Just one fucking smoke! Denise won’t know she’s asleep and oh well, this motherfucker might just be a fucking nightmare where I just walk around and not give a shit. A purge of my subconscious and I wake up and I am back in Klahanie, in my bed, in my house 2 years ago when I didn’t smoke weed, smoke cigarettes, “do drugs” and was fasting Wednesday and Friday! Living the whole week to make it to Sunday and get communion! Yeah that’s it! What am I afraid of, a freaking cigarette. I can smell the smoking room from here and its smells like shit, and I happen to feel like shit after that God Forsaken airplane ride fighting for 2 hours before takeoff to get the damn Dogs on the plane in Seattle!
Open Sesame: Sliding Doors Open.
Ahhh yes! Sinners just smoking! There’s got to be 15 people in this sinning room! All looking like zombies, pale and with cancer fear on the face dying a little with every breath in and out. Shit I don’t have a smoke. How do I break the silence nobody is even making eye contact! I’ve been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and my hair looks like I am a homeless bum who hasn’t shaved in 5 days and I can smell my own butt crack. Man even Muslim women smoke in this room. She looks freaking weird. This Indian guy looks like he has Aids, Fuck if I ask for a cigarette I hope he’s not the one to give me one. Oh fuck it:
“Can I get a cancer stick from someone?”
Shit it’s the fucking Indian Kid! Oh fuck it! He’s got Marlboro!
“Thanks man! If I was going to smoke it would be a fucking Marlboro! You The man.”
“Where you From?”
Thinking to myself: “No shit kid! Why the fuck would you answer a question I already knew the answer too! Am I fucking blind!”
“Nice what’s your name?”
-“ Aashish” or something like that…. It could have been Ashish; Asheesh or Shahshahsha.
“Nice to meet you Ashis! I’m Zorro!”
“Zorro, You know right? When I was a Kid I wanted to be Zorro! Right now I feel like Zorro”
-“Hahaha, Wow! Where are you from?”
Weird everyone is looking this way and chuckling trying to hold in laughter! I guess I am the center of attention. Everybody is listening to my every word and hearing what I am saying, I have the undividable attention.
“No idea all I know is where I am going!”
Wow Everyone raised their head. They want to know what Nation I belong to! Who I am! What language I speak! They want to know my name! They want to look behind the mask of Zorro!
-“Where are you going?”
-“Are you from there!”
“Yes I was born there!”
Finally the question has been answered in everybody’s mind. Judgment has been passed and fire of curiosity has been put out in everyone’s mind with one word. Romania!
-“Why do you speak English with no accent?”
What’s this now? Everyone has raised their heads! They thought it was over!!. They thought I was a Romanian and they know what that is. But now I talk like an American! What’s this now? Is this guy a liar, a Romanian who we all know lie, or maybe an American! But those guys are not delinquent looking people! Yeah they’re shallow because they think they own the world but they don’t act like it, especially not in a situation like this!
“My wife is American!”
Wow they don’t know what to make of it. They tilted their head to the right and turned their pupils to the right and up. This means they are imaging who might like someone like me.
-“You live in Romania?”
“No we are moving there. I haven’t been there for 19 years. I went there on a vacation 4 years ago for 3 weeks and I kind of liked it!”
Wow complete silence. Even the kid lost interest in me. No more questions! Oh he’s putting his cigarette out! He’s getting ready to leave. Crap how am I going to figure out if this is a dream.
-“Nice to meet you!”
“You too Hashish!”
-“Hahahah, Thank you!”
Weird did he get what I was saying?, (Laughing out loud). Everyone frowned their faces back down staring into oblivion. A few more people leave the room. Shit its reality! Everything is way too random. I got to slow down my mind. I’m ahead of everyone again. One second too fast in the future of everyone’s judgmental mind. Feeling the consciousness of humanity just a second faster. Just enough to change something random on a path it would have not been on consciously, a second earlier.
Written on July 5th 1:56 AM American time and 11:56 AM Romanian time.
Below Written 11/12/2016
Great stuck between contemplative narratives deciding if weather or not this is an argument I would have with myself if I wasn’t under the current course of collision. No definite target or ETA. Simply put you know so deep in yourself it will happen it is as though it has already happened before. Not to mention that it has, but that is beside the point. Going down that road 12 years ago all over again is like taking a plane ticket back to hell. Going over the same mistakes from the past that haunt the present, reflecting only that failure is certain based on your own experience not to mention everyone else you have known going through it, and has never come out of it. So here we are in an almost identical position of the same evil surrounding you before, however this time you only have yourself to blame! And what blame is that? You ask. Blame that you now have to see yourself out of it? Ok let’s ponder that. You’re smoking cigarettes, probably 12 on a bad day. Heck maybe even more. You smoke Marijuana almost every 2 hours. Every other day or so you take an upper to make you be efficient for at least 5 to 6 hours. So where does that get you now? Perhaps the better question to clear things up is what can you control now? Yes you control your environment! Plausibly in all necessary aspects where you know you are the only one that can do so. Yet you try to make yourself stumble. Smoke more weed and convinced yourself you need it. Along with the uppers and the cigarettes. What do you have going for you at this very moment? Every single ounce of energy you are putting out there under all influences is to restore and rebuild for someone else’s error that YOU left in charge. Deep down this is draining you so much you have no desire, better yet the energy to make up for your own mistakes. So you drown yourself in your creativity. An art form so stupid it’s not impressing anyone and on the contrary it makes you seem even more like a tyrant. A tyrant that is indulged in his own gratification. “Oh, I wrote 67 pages of how I felt last night because you sent me to the dog house. That proves to you I am a writer.” I will admit over the years and pages filled I do expect some credibility. Definitely over 600 pages hand written in the last 10 years alone plus all the business plans, training manuals, job descriptions, protocol and procedures, marketing plans, meeting briefs, bylaws, lease agreements, expense reports, speeches, notes, quotes, lists, more lists, goals, dreams, future speeches, stories, emails, google calendar, texts messages, singing, playing an instrument. Most of the things on this list are things that are still my daily tasks as we speak. So many things on the list are things I implemented over the years because of growth and for a lack of better word and a word I often get accused of let’s call it ambition. Fitting word for someone like me, right? Remember now I am the one who always gets what he wants! All I do is walk around this place and get high and make our business look bad. Wow, so nice of you to think that and be concerned…..! I will take that as the absolute most uplifting constructive criticism and motivate myself to a higher elevation of professionalism and personal standards to make OUR BUSINESS look better hence forth! Is that what you want to hear? Because to tell you the truth I would like nothing more than for this to be 100 percent my reaction. Keep in mind something I hold dear somewhere deep down inside. In a place of no conflict zone, where I go alone to process my every thought and trace it to my choice of action. Verbal or physical in the sense of body language. It is positive spin on my self-brainwashing mechanism that I have installed in my brain almost 2 decades ago. It is a message on a frequency of its own. Plays over and over again “Everything in your life is the circumstances of everyone’s choices collectively not just your own.” “For everything negative Impact in your life someone else may be responsible with their actions, behaviors or choice of words. Often times family and the rest work related.” Now what has this taught you at the end of the day, dragging a marriage through it for the last 10 years. Was it worth it? Would you do it again? Make the same choices? Live different places? Make different friends? Trust different people? And the list can go on and on…..Tenacity is you’re biggest dominating trait. So many friends, family members and enemies have confused this about me with various interpretations. Cocky, bossy, angry, repetitive, not repetitive enough, micro managing too much, not being here enough, not being here at all, not knowing what was going on, not knowing what happened, trust worthy, not trust worthy enough, thief, liar, gay, incompetent, judgmental, impossible to work with, standards too high, standards too low, scary, too nice, , workaholic, lazy, pot head, meth addict, atheist, Christian, physically abusive, antagonizing, threatening, physical, show off, one upper, sarcastic, deceiving, misleading, improvising, making stuff up, being malicious…….. Hold on because the list goes on and on all the way to prideful and full of myself. But I will leave the little I left out like manipulating and demanding for later. Some days I get all of the above and more by lunch time. By dinner time every category has hit several times like a lottery. All spread across the board from family to co-workers, business partners, managers, affiliates, clients, mechanics, investors, attorneys, doctors, lenders, and lately, the reason I am here and now, my spouse. What has become of the strength I have had all these years up until recently. What has brought a repeat episode my way 12 years later? Who has turned everyone against me? What have I done to deserve this? I am desperate enough that I want to actually face the consequences and responsibility for my failure so bad I am willing to take on reasons that are not my doing, just to move on and get to level ground again so I can catch my balance. Everyone thinks I am running from one place to the other trying to hide from myself. I will get there and still fail, then I will see that I accomplished nothing! Did you not hear me before, I am willing to take on consequences that are not my doing that have rippled across the pond and have casted stones of financial burdens and stressful situations resulting in departing all of us. From the smallest and the new comer to the oldest and most authoritarian member or our business enterprise. Everyone has failed, some over and over again and some over and over again, yet again, and often at the same barrier mark of incompetence. Do not pass GO DO NOT collect $200! What am I to do when every single situation that has affected us negatively is a monster I have created!!? All just a sequence of events that took place after decisions that I made were put in place and implemented. From selling the house to moving across the ocean, to coming back and failing, then ending up in the hospital for 14 days to coming back here with no home and a soon to be discovered our surprise welcome back gift. Our favorite thing on this planet. The true bonding glue of life and harmony. STRESS! Stress other people failed to overcome, mixed with really bad financial decisions, sprinkled on top with chaos and distractions, lack of organization and complete lack of responsibility with no proper documentation paper trail. Main entertainment for the evening and the months to follow is a $42,000 question mark plus over $11,000 of bills due in curtailments in the next 25 days. Numbers that have nothing to do with the rent, payroll, electricity, water, exchange program, unpaid affiliates and vendors, forgotten broken down inventory, bills at multiple mechanic shops, total disaster around the property, horrible inventory and last but not least over a dozen highly complicated complaints and broken down sold cars less then lasting 3 days after the sell. Some clients did not even make it up the hill to leave the car lot. In one situation one gentleman was buying a car my first day back. Gold 90’s model Cadillac. 2 Hours after waiting for his paperwork finally leaving, 30 min later returning because the car had over heated. Let’s also add some ice cream on top and mention that our most major lender had frozen our lines of flooring thus taking away our most important tool. But not before threatening to take the entire inventory back by the end of the week, decision coming down all the way from corporate. Whoever this “Corporate” is! Hopefully they are as shitty of a corporation as we are, and like us nothing getting said, written or coming down any chain of any command is getting done in this life or the next. What do you know? After I go there in person, super stoned, smoking weed in the parking lot inside the car hot boxing it listening to music really loud having no real idea of why I went there and what the hell could I possibly do that Nick or Shane haven’t done, not to mention at least a phone call for them to hear my voice. Hello Mr. Corporate banker, here I am! I am back, I am the want you want and the one you seek. Sitting in the car I was looking at myself in the mirror to see if I had a normal looking face. Shockingly I did. Didn’t even recognize myself. Just a dude I might see walking down the street that I probably don’t want to engage in conversation. Checking to see if I had normal eyebrows like a normal human being since I had shaved them off less than 3 weeks earlier along with all my hair. Repeatedly doing the sign of the cross across my scalp and praying out loud “Our Father”. Of course this was in addition to shaving a cross across my chest leading all the way down to the promise land and a shaved circle on one calf, a cross on the other and the same thing to the fore arms. I you remember it was a day of 90 degrees FH and I had been wearing the same shorts for the last couple of days. My hair was so short that at first you don’t notice hair. Its just this roundish golden face with grid lock look starring back at you. I wondered if they would even recognize me. Not to mention I had lost over 20 pounds. What am I here to do again? I asked myself. Oh right, just walk in the door, say hello and immediately try one of your “one liners”! Something you always do that speaks noises sounding words so outrageous it instigates the perfect ice breaker in an entire office of people. Folks that haven’t seen you for half a year and you are there because your name is on their shit list. You can do this. Just be fast end expedite and on everyone’s level in one smooth move. Something comical, something real, something an eye opener, something of a pleasant distraction from work, something with just the right amount of intrigue, something screaming out loud “I am not worried about anything”, something that says “Hi, it’s me, believe me” something to spark their memory to remember seeing you last time, something saying I am willing to indulge your curiosity. Truly the last reason, curiosity, is the main reason life took me there that day.